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10 stupid reasons your stupid phone is running out of stupid battery power

The causes of dead-phone syndrome

You wake up from a fever-dream, mouth dry, underwear soiled. As your vision returns, you can just make out the figure of your mother towering over your pathetic body, she whispers the dreaded words, echoing through your fat head, ‘your phone is running out of battery, your phone is running out of battery, your phone is running out of battery.’

Luckily, this was just a nightmare, and one you can avoid if you follow the amazing advice in this article.

No self-respecting human, who needs the validation of random foreigners and hostile internet strangers would be without a phone nowadays. Thankfully, those old archaic hang-ups from the 20th century like privacy, a healthy work-life balance and lack of stress issues caused by non-entities are a thing of the past.

However, like the human soul, the cell phone is far from perfect and relies on upon (you guessed it) battery power. Here is a list of ten common reasons why your phone might be dying/about to die/dead.

Playing games
Sure, you like to have a cheeky whizz on Clash of Clans, or use Angry Birds to ignore your family, chatting about nothing; but those deviant little games are drinking your battery like a mad vampire.

Searching the internet
In the old days, people would have to do their own research and form their own opinions. Thanks to sites like Wikipedia, that is all a thing of the past. You can now click on the top search result of any item and take the opinion piece of a random user without sources or citations as sacrosanct.

Playing music
One of the most beneficial things that instant access to the world-wide-web has done is to give us all our favourite tunes at the click of a button. Even more useful is, with just a pair of headphones, you can walk / cycle / drive while blocking out the so-called noises of the real world and losing one of your most valuable senses.

Using your phone calculator
Yeah, yeah, we get it – you like to work out sums quickly, but here’s one for you; you + phone calculator – charger = dead battery.

Charger not turned on or plugged in
Nothing in this temporal world will make you want to eat your own face off in a fit rage then waking up in the morning, clicking your phone and seeing the dreaded 3%. What happened? You put the cable in, but it wasn’t attached to anything. You realize too late you didn’t even plug that bad boy in. No checking the BBC app incessantly and thinking your opinion on world events is of any consequence to anyone else. Better luck next time news boy. Grrrr!


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Alarm
We all like timers and clocks and stopwatches and all that jazz, but is setting a five-minute countdown timer until Embarrassing Bodies starts really necessary? You might enjoy the notion of having to never keep track of the abstract and subjective concept of time yourself, but your phone sure won’t agree.

Phone call
This is self-explanatory. Who even rings anyone nowadays when it’s so much easier to send a string of convoluted inexplicable text messages which make, what would have been a two-minute call, into a five-hour long debacle.

Texting
Do you really need to discuss the legalities of Anschluss in its historical context with your second cousin in a series of messages? Sure, it might be fun, but that 17% of your battery you wasted on it could be vital if you find yourself trapped on the roof of Tesco later on in the day.

Facebook Notifications
Just, just turn it off. No one cares that your great-uncle Reg would be Rob Stark if he was a Game of Thrones character. No one cares that that girl you used to fancy in high school is live-streaming herself eating dragon fruit and no one cares that you’d like to trade livestock on FarmVille. We love you, you’re a great person, but the internet doesn’t need you as a watchman.

Turning on phone
Let’s be honest, the notion of time is and has to be one of slow decay; the very nature of being is one of gradual loss and erosion, until every last thing you love dies and disappears. It is a hard but necessary lesson for all sentient beings – anyway, you get the point. If your phone isn’t on, is the world really going to end?

What’s the stupidest way you’ve lost battery charge on your phone?


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Written by MarkCross

Assignment Editor for Press On This. Twitter @MarkCrossPOT

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