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For Teh Lulz: Some of the best family friendly jokes to annoy people with

‘A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted’

Need a smile? Feel free to share these family friendly jokes to embarrass the little ones in your life with!


What did the sausage say when he crossed the finish line?

I’m a weiner!

***

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A wooly jumper.

***

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten tickles.

***

Why did the banana go to doctor?

Because he wasn’t peeling well.

***

What do children in Lapland learn?

The elf-abet.

***

What did the oceans say to each other?

Nothing, they just waved.

***

What did the fish say when a wall was in its way?

Dam!

***

There were two men hanging on my window yesterday, Kurt and Rod.

***

Why was the broom late for school?

Because he over swept.

***

What animal is good at rhyming?

A rhymenoceros.

***

What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

You’re a poo too!

***

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?

Hi cliff!

***

Why was the traffic light embarrassed?

Because the cars saw it change.

***

Why couldn’t Cinderella play tennis?

She kept running away from the ball.

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You’re welcome.

***

Why did the crab go to prison?

Because it kept pinching.

***

Why was the street haunted?

Because it was a dead end.

***

How do scientists test their breath?

With experi-mints.

***

Why did the teacher have her eyes tested?

She couldn’t control her pupils!

***

Teacher, why is my report card wet?

Because it’s below C level.

***

Why did the woman stop doing origami?

There was too much paperwork.

***

What do you give a pig when it’s sick?

Oinkment.

What about a sick bird?

Tweetment.

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don’t cry.

***

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9.

***

A monkey escapes from the zoo and returns to the jungle yelling ‘I’m free!’

A little monkey replies, ‘so what I’m free.’

***

How do you make toast at the zoo?

Put it under a gorilla.

***

What do judges wear in courts?

Lawsuits.

***

Why did the painting go to prison?

Because it was framed.

***

Doctor, I feel like a pony?

Why do you feel like a pony?

I’m a little hoarse.

Then let’s get you to horsepital.

***

Why was the fish so lazy?

Because he was a kipper.

***

Doctor, I feel like a bridge.

What’s come over you?

A double decker bus.

***

Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together.

***

Doctor, I feel like a pig.

How long have you left like a pig?

About a weeeek!

***

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.

***

What do you call a ninja pig?

Porkchop.

***

A cat won a dog show yesterday, people said it was a cat-has-tropy.

***

What did the wizard take to the desert?

A sand witch.

***

Did you hear about the village that has only just got electricity?

They were shocked.

***

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around and I’ll go on ahead.

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Atish

Atish who?

Bless you

***

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

***

Why does a hummingbird hum?

Because it doesn’t know the words.

***

What wobbles in the sky?

A jelly copter.

***

Why don’t musicians play fish?

Because you can’t tuna fish.

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Eye dunap.

Eye dunap who?

Then go to the toilet.

***

What cheese gets a bear out of its cave?

Camembert.

***

What do you call a train with a cold?

A choo-choo train!

***

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

***

What do you call a fairy that doesn’t have a bath?

Stinkerbell.

***

The dog is poorly.

We should take him to the dog-tor.

***

Why did Santa’s elves release a hip hop song?

Because they’re excellent wrappers.

***

Why did people think Santa was an alien?

Because he was seen flying a UF-ho-ho-ho!

***

What is a fake noodle called?

An impasta

***

My dog just ate my torch, he’s barking with delight.

***

What did the sleepy cow work at a building site?

Because it was a bulldozer.

***

I went out with a prune the other day, it was too difficult finding a date.

***

What’s an astronaut’s favourite button on a keyboard?

The space bar.

***

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

The baa-bers.

***

Why can’t leopards hide?

Because they’re always spotted.

***

I had a dream I was a car and woke up exhausted.

***

How do astronauts drink their tea?

On flying saucers.

***

Why did the shopkeeper give batteries away?

Because they were free of charge.

***

I tried to catch some fog earlier but I mist.

***

How did your date with the butcher go?

It was nice to meat him.

***

Why did the worker get fired from the calendar factory?

He took a day off.

He got fired from an orange juice factory the next day too.

Too much concentration.

***

Why was the bee’s hair sticky?

Because he used a honey comb.

***

Why is camping so popular?

Because it’s in tents.

***

Why was it so wet and windy at the sports stadium?

There was a Mexican wave and too many fans.

***

What do mountains wear on their heads?

Snow caps.

***

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

You rocket.

***

Why don’t monsters eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

***

What’s the best time to buy a bird?

When they’re going cheap.

***

What tree can you fit in your hand?

A palm tree.

***

A sandwich walks into a bar.

Barman says ‘sorry we don’t serve food in here’.

***

What does lightning put on?

Thunderwear.

***

What should you do if it rains cats and dogs?

Watch out for poodles!

***

Who sneaks round the house on Christmas?

Mince spies.

***

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Wooden shoe.

Wooden shoe who?

Wooden shoe like to know.

***

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Isabelle.

Isabelle who?

Isabelle working?

***

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce inside it’s freezing!

***

Seven is an odd number, how do you make it even?

Take out the s.

***

What kangaroo can jump higher than a building?

All of them, buildings cant jump!

***

How do you pronounce ninja?

You don’t, ninjas are silent.

***

Two mobile phones got married, the wedding wasn’t great but the reception was excellent.

***

What month do bees become indecisive?

May-bees.

***

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a sea saw.

***

How do lumberjacks get on the internet?

They log in.

***

What do trees wear when they go swimming?

Trunks.


Did you like these family friendly jokes, which was your favourite? Get in touch on our Twitter or Facebook pages to let us know.

Other funny articles you might enjoy:

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Written by MarkCross

Assignment Editor for Press On This. Twitter @MarkCrossPOT

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