Ten Things White People Always Do

You gotta’ love ’em, but white people can be ridiculous too!

“The things white people always do!” you scream, but let’s take a moment and soak it in. White people have been around for decades, and we love the little cuties; but sometimes they just get on your nuts like a diseased squirrel. Here are ten of the most annoying things they do as voted by the UN.

“Wasting the weekend”
They are obsessed with weekends – or more specifically – doing things at the weekends. They seem to have some built in fear of actually having a weekend of just relaxing and spending quality time with friends and family. This irrational fear veers towards the ludicrous too. They would rather do anything, even if they hate it, rather than just relax and STFU. An example would be “I went to the opening of the new abattoir in town today, just to get out of the house.”

Not having a TV
You know that guy don’t you. “Oh I don’t watch TV, it’s the opium of the people. TV turns you into a pathetic drone, part of the modern Western hive mind that viciously roots out any opinion or culture that it deems a threat.” Sure, sure – but seriously, shut the hell up – I’m watching Orange Is the New Black.

Double-barrelled names
When did this even become a thing? “Hi, I’m Ella Louise-Sharp and this is my fiancé, George Carlton-Bishop.”  Tell me Ella, what happens when you get married then? Will you be Ella Louise-Sharp-Carlton-Bishop? How do you decide what surnames make the cut? Do you draw lots or fight for it? Jeez…

Phone junkies
Why do they bother with phones when they could just have a camera? They absolutely love taking pictures of the most inane and mundane things in the world. They will even film events on their phone that are already being professionally filmed and will be easily accessible to the public. No one wants to watch ten minutes of your inaudible, shaky-cam crap!

Tan obsession
You got tanned? Good for you. You went sunbathing? Great! You were on the sun-bed at lunch? Leave me alone you orange freak! A couple of weeks of a slighter darker skin-hue is not a good trade for a life-time of repairable skin damage. Your pallor is beautiful, embrace it.

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Buy Samsung TV

Ethnic friends
Stop boasting about your ethnic friends, it’s creepy. We don’t care that your new friend Olaf is a quarter Danish, Puerto Rican, Egyptian and Somalian. Why are you telling us? What would be your desired outcome from this situation? Do you want to be wrapped in a rainbow flag and paraded around San Francisco as the paragon of fraternity and equality? Besides, we know Olaf, he’s a dick, and he slept with your cousin.

Stop it, please. It’s not so much that you “Do It Yourself”, it’s the fact you have to tell everyone about it afterwards. Hire a professional and go out and get a burger.

TV series chats
If you ask me if I’ve seen Black Sails and I say no, that should be the end of it. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work like that in reality. You can explain why you think it’s good, that’s fine, but please, for the love of Geoff, stop talking about characters/quotes/scenes to me – I haven’t seen it!

They – won’t – stop – talking – about – university. Great, good for you – but you do realise this was an entirely personal and insular activity for you that has no bearing on my life in any way. Do you need to constantly remind me how much more fun your uni friends are over me? And if you ever start putting letters at the end of your name, I will disown you and exile you from my life; Frank Sinclair BA Hons.

You’ve just had a tazo tea berry infused cherry pie frappucino? Great – sorry, I just need to go and stand somewhere else…

What tickles your goat when it comes to the things white people always do? Get in touch and let us know.

We hope this article made you chuckle. Feel free to flail wildly around the rest of our website while you’re here.


Written by MarkCross

Assignment Editor for Press On This. Twitter @MarkCrossPOT

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