5 Rookie Mistakes New Hamster Owners Make

You can’t spell ‘fun’ without ‘proper hamster ownership’

5 Rookie Mistakes New Hamster Owners Make

NB: The following article ‘rookie mistakes new hamster owners make’ is a parody and is for entertainment purposes only. For actual advice, you can look at Google, or click here to visit the RSPCA page. We love hamsters, and you should too.

Having a pet hamster can be one of the most rewarding, meaningful and satisfying experiences of your wretched life. Not only are they solitary violent beasts that eat their own young, but they are viciously territorial and antisocially crepuscular. Guaranteeing you hours of fun. However, as with any living creature that gives joy, it’s important to know your onions (hamster care). Here is a list of five rookie mistakes made by new hamster owners.

Stupid rookie mistake 1: Unsuitable companions
Most hamsters love their own space, and will be stressed out to the max if another hamster hustler is stepping in their yard, know what I’m saying dawg? No matter the age or gender, hamsters will often fight each other to the death to become king/queen of the cage; cage-fighting sure, but not how you expected it.

Hamsters breed like there is no tomorrow too, a male and a female can produce up to twenty pups in one litter, and as they are happy to breed with siblings and parents and all that creepy stuff, things can get very Jerry Springer, very quickly. Other unsuitable hamster companions include prolific escapees such as John Dillinger and Harry Houdini, who will be more than happy to show your furry pets the best way out of their cages.

Stupid rookie mistake 2: Unsuitable home
Home is a big deal for your H-dizzle. It is the one place in this wicked world they can feel safe from humanoids and their canine/feline allies. Pet stores may tell you different about the importance of a home, but they are lying straight to your face (probably) for dirty, filthy, financial gain; capitalism at its most disgusting. The following are some of the absolutely ridiculous things people have used for hamster bedding previously:

  • Wall Street Journal
  • The empty innards of a Sony DSC-HX5V television set
  • A circle of candles marking various points of a bloodied pentacle drawn crudely on the floor
  • A burnt out US T20 medium tank recovered from the aftermath of the Battle of the Bulge
  • A cage used for cage-fighters two to three times a week

Stupid rookie mistake 3: Unsuitable diet
Hamsters need, nay deserve, a well-balanced diet; ideally, they should be eating better than you and your family. Never give a hamster onions or citrus fruits. Hamsters are mentalists and store food in their cheeks for reasons scientists have never worked out too, so don’t give them anything sticky life toffee sweets, sticky toffee pudding or melted caramel.

Stupid rookie mistake 4: Poor supervision outside of the cage
Hamsters have many weaknesses, they are one of God’s most pathetic and pitiful of creatures, they are also known to fall in with crowds and ne’er-do-wells. When your hamster is out of its cage, it must be monitored at all times; as given the opportunity, they will happily find a gap under your kitchen sink and start a new life inside your floorboards. Always understand, hamsters want to escape. That being said, with the right environment and precautions, hamsters can be safe outside their cages. However, here are a few classic examples to avoid.

  • Allowing your cat to train your hamster to try and buy it ‘smokes’ from the shops
  • Allowing your hamster to levitate in its hamster ball and escape from any open windows. Alfresco floating hamster balls are asking for trouble.
  • Allowing your hamster to create the beginnings of a new town; they will not understand basic concepts of town planning and will likely manage to hurt themselves in the doorway of Mrs. Goggins’ post office.
  • Allowing your hamster to smuggle out water from its water bottle. With enough accumulated water gathered in secret over time, you may wake to find your hamster has opened a swimming pool to its so-called friends.

Stupid rookie mistake 5: Bad habits
Hamsters are naturally lazy and struggle to hold down a 9 to 5 for any respectful amount of time. They are also like human teenagers in that they love junk food and hate exercise or cleaning up after themselves. So here are a few handy tips, clean out their cages once a week; make sure they get a well-balanced diet and ensure they have a hamster wheel and access to a hamster ball. Signs of stress or wanting to get out of their cages may include biting on the bars for ages; playing the harmonica or writing ‘I am the captain of my soul’ in nuts and berries on the floor as a, somewhat overt, sign to you.

rookie mistakes new hamster
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We hope you enjoyed 5 Rookie Mistakes New Hamster Owners Make. Follow real advice and you and your hamster comrade will give each other years of fun and companionship until you are reunited in Valhalla. In the meantime, have a sniff about the rest of our site.


Written by MarkCross

Assignment Editor for Press On This. Twitter @MarkCrossPOT

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